B.B.B. 1

Tonight, I whimper.

I seriously needed to cry for a while. My heart wouldn't slow down. It's always on the fast lane and it has no intention of stopping. (Maybe it'll stop on the day of my death, but it'll never slow down on its way there. I just know it won't.)

I acquire all sorts of feelings when I come face to face with him. I'd feel like drifting into space when he calls me by my first name. I'd feel dizzy whenever he'd tell me to come closer. I'd feel like I'd won a million-dollar jackpot whenever he'd stare at me for more than 3 seconds. I'd feel like kicking Mt. Rushmore down whenever he'd reject whatever I've proposed.

This, he just made me feel like riding roller coaster.

I rode the roller coaster, feeling all giddy and excited about running through the loops and hoops, and went down the ride with a haggard face. A haggard, tired, "f*ck-it" face. I would only feel that way after a ride if: a.) I've figured out that I've mistakenly taken a ride on a kiddie coaster or, b.) the ride was a whole lot of fun.

He gave my day a perky start with a greeting that went like, "Good morning, Loi." He never says that, believe me. He NEVER does. Not to me, not to anyone. He made my heart fly the moment he greeted me that morning. That good (now "used-to-be-good") morning. Of course, he never knew about how high my heart flew. But I can tell you this: IT FLEW HIGH ENOUGH TO FALL QUITE BOOMISHLY (the word 'boomishly' here means 'louder than the loudest after-fall you'll ever hear') THE SECOND HE AGREED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

We were in the middle of discussing something and for once, I felt like we were actually 'connecting'. I was at a state of temporary infinite happiness (yes, I am aware of typing temporary with infinite). For a moment, I felt like I was going to be happy my whole life. Then all of a sudden, someone interrupted it by placing her opinion somewhere in the middle of our connection. Her opinion he just had to agree with. Before I knew it, he was on her side and he was back to contradicting everything that I've said. When she butted in, my infinite happiness came to a halt. Thus, making infinity temporary.

I just don't get it why I'm still bitter about this. I'm too bitter about it. Too bitter that I can't even type about when he said he won't be coming to the Christmas party (technically, he said it but I had to find out about it from a common friend) and when he didn't reply to my messages after today (he replied to the ones that someone else sent him).

BITTER. BUTTER. BANG.

--- So I was bitter. Haha. Let's all try to laugh about it.